Harry Potter and the Loser Magician
by Do a Barrel Roll
Summary: Crack fic. When non one dares to take the Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching position, Dumbledore is forced to desperate measures...and hires a Muggle magician. How long will the students last with an idiot, and how will the professor fight Voldemort?


**This is set during **_**Half-Blood Prince. **_**However, it is an AU, so Snape didn't start out as the Defense teacher. Want to know why? Read on.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own **_**Harry Potter.**_

**Harry Potter and the Loser Magician**

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* * *

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Harry, Ron, and Hermione cantered down the corridor as they headed to their first N.E.W.T. Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson, chattering animatedly.

"I wonder what the Defense professor will be like," said Harry as they took their seats. Up ahead, Draco Malfoy shot Harry a withering look, but it only lasted mere seconds.

Hermione slammed open her DADA book, looking vexed. "It's ridiculous! How can no wizard or witch want to teach? Even so, Professor Dumbledore could have one of the other professors teach, instead of hiring-"

"I don't like it any more than you do, Hermione," stated Ron as he pieced together a paper airplane, looking bored.

Harry agreed. Not a single witch or wizard Dumbledore or the Ministry could find wanted to teach the cursed class. Dumbledore had said so in his speech at the opening feast, but he also said their teachers would be arriving the next morning. But if no with or wizard wanted to teach, then how did Dumbledore find a teacher? Come to think of it, he had implied there would be more than one teacher, so then what was going on?

As Harry took in his surroundings, he began to notice some peculiar new additions to the familiar classroom. The professor must have sent some of his equipment in early, because a large and violent orange coffin was set in the front of the room, beside the desk. An enormous, empty water tank was stacked precariously on a desk, and several playing cards were scattered across the room.

Harry was just opening his new DADA book when the door banged open, and in strode a man wearing some of the most bizarre clothing Harry had even seen, even in the wizarding world. The man was dressed in a ruffled white shirt with a fancy, midnight blue jacket, red slacks, a top hat, and shiny black boots. His mustache was extremely curly, and his ridiculously stupid grin would've made Voldemort go on a killing spree. Beside him was a skinny woman clad in a red and blue leotard.

Ron was choking on his own spit, so overcome with chuckles that he couldn't make a sound. Hermione blinked, disbelieving of what was right in front of her. In front of them, Ernie Macmillan was rubbing his eyes, completely dazed. Neville fell out of his chair, and Malfoy was rolling on the floor laughing.

The man did not even acknowledge Malfoy. "Greetings! I am Professor Bardus, and this is my lovely assistant Cassandra! I will be teaching you today! Now, Professor Dumbledore had informed me about this class and the advanced curriculum, so I am ready! Any questions?" Several students raised their hands. Seamus Finnegan also succumbed to mirthful guffaws, but Professor Bardus paid no heed. "Yes, you in the back! Ginger! What's your question?"

Draco smirked at Ron being ginger, and Ron bristled slightly. "Well, I was wondering what the playing cards were for."

Professor Bardus leapt back in shock. "Blimey! This is worse than I thought! You don't even know a basic card trick!" Shaking his head, he snatched a deck of cards and shuffled them before spreading them apart and holding them out to Ron. "Pick a card, any card!" Hesitantly, Ron chose a card from the deck. "Good! Look at it and remember it, but do not tell me! Now put it back." After a brief glance, Ron shoved the card back into the pile. Harry could see Ron's flushed ears and could hear his snorts. Hermione was now glaring, furious.

Professor Bardus twirled the cards about in an extravagant manner. After a minute or so, he jabbed a five of spades in Ron's face, making Ron flinch. "Is this your card?" Professor Bardus asked.

"No," said Ron, smirking.

Professor Bardus blinked but showed no emotion at his failure. He pulled out another card, this one a nine of hearts. "How about this one?"

"No."

The corner of Professor Bardus's mouth twitched as he yanked out yet another card, a seven of diamonds. "This one?"

"Nope."

Now Professor Bardus was frowning. "How about this card?"

"Sorry, but no."

"This one?"

"Again, no."

"Perhaps..." Flourishing his hand dramatically, Professor Bardus jammed a nine of clubs in Ron's face. "This card?"

"...No."

"Sir, it's clearly not his card!" exclaimed Hermione, frustrated by the professor's stupidity and everyone else's amusement. Harry, who was laughing quite a but himself, suddenly realized what had happened with the DADA position.

"My dear girl," said Professor Bardus to Hermione. "I am showing you the skills of a master-"

"Sir, are you going to teach us about Patronuses this year?" Harry questioned innocently, hiding his true intentions.

"What's a Patronus?" said Professor Bardus.

"Professor," said Harry again. "Well then, why why are we learning Muggle magic tricks instead of defensive magic?"

"Muggles? What are those?" Professor Bardus queried, but then he shrugged. "Anyways, which of you know anything about the Indian rope trick?"

* * *

"He's nutters!" said Ron as he, Harry, and Hermione walked out of the classroom, shaking their heads. "Why would any of us need to know about suspending a chair in midair for DADA?"

"Well, he was better than most of our other teachers," said Harry. "At least Professor Bardus doesn't have Voldemort sticking out of the back of his head, a fetish for memory charms, or a hatred for children."

"So we think," muttered Ron.

"It's pathetic!" snapped Hermione, shoving a book into a bag. "Having a Muggle magician teach Defense? No Muggle should attempt to use magic. It always ends badly."

Just then, Malfoy bustled past, bumping into Hermione in the process. She yelped and pulled out her wand, but he didn't notice, keeping his head down while looking very miserable and resigned.

"What was that all about?" said Hermione.

"Not sure," said Harry darkly. "but it doesn't spell out well for any of us..."

* * *

A few days went by without any sign of what Malfoy's plan could be. Soon it was time for the next Defense lesson. As Harry took his seat, the bell rang, and Malfoy was absent once again. But all conspiracy theories vanished from Harry's mind as Professor Bardus introduced his most ludicrous stunt yet.

Professor Bardus hopped into the violent orange coffin, grinning excitedly at his students. "And now my lovely assistant Cassandra will saw me in half!" This initiated a few oohs and aahs from Parvati Patil and Lavender Brown, but the rest of the students all either grimaced or grinned maliciously, thinking of the consequences of Professor Bardus's death. It would be quite favorable over his teaching.

Cassandra began sawing at the box while Professor Bardus lectured the class. "Now, there is a simple trick to surviving this act. Any of you could master it, though none better than me! And that trick is- OH MY WORD!" Something inside the coffin crunched, and Harry thought it would be incredibly ironic if someone died in a coffin. The rest of the students screeched in horror...and that's when Professor Bardus began giggling. "I'm just kidding!" But Harry could've sworn that he saw a small trickle of blood descending from the coffin.

Professor Bardus was rolled into his office. He returned a few minutes later, looking refreshed and certainly not dead. "Now, shall we continue? Okay, turn to page-"

BANG! The doors of the DADA classroom burst open, and in marched- to everyone's horror and confusion- several Death Eaters, wands held aloft. Hermione shoved Harry underneath his desk, but not before Harry glimpsed a skeletal white face that lacked a nose and looked triumphant.

Voldemort had infiltrated Hogwarts.

"Of course!" Hermione muttered to Ron and Harry, as Harry rummaged through his pockets for his Invisibility Cloak. "Draco helped them in! That little bigoted dunderhead!"

But Harry's search was in vain: Voldemort had seen him. "Potter!" Voldemort flourished his wand, preparing to kill the little brat, but then another voice said, "Halt, villain!" It was Professor Bardus. And he was filling his water tank.

"Ah, you must be the new Defense teacher!" Voldemort hissed.

"Yes I am!" Professor Bardus said proudly. "Now, Harry! Hop into the tank!"

Harry was dumbfounded. "Say what?"

"The tank! You can escape via the water tank! Here, I'll demonstrate!" Professor Bardus jumped into the full water tank, ropes tied around his body. Instead of attacking, Voldemort and the Death Eaters just stood by and watched the spectacle, amused. Professor Bardus writhed about in the tank, struggling with his ropes. Harry groaned. How much longer before Voldemort slaughtered them all?

Voldemort's face was impassive. "This man is a Muggle, isn't he?" he asked a terrified Ron.

Ron gulped several times before answering, "Yeah, pretty much."

"Of course." Voldemort did not even speak, but Harry felt the power of the curse. It soared towards Professor Bardus and his doomed tank. Everything exploded, and Harry observed as Professor Bardus crashed out the window.

But luck was on Harry's side. At that moment, the doors burst open, and Dumbledore and the teachers sprinted in, hexes flying form their wands and towards Voldemort. "Retreat!" Voldemort hissed to his followers, and they fled the scene.

* * *

Professor Bardus was confined to St. Mungo's for permanent brain damage. When Dumbledore announced during a dinner that Snape would be teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts, Harry was surprised by his own relief and gladness.

* * *

**Well, that was a complete crack fic. Anyways...What did you all think?**


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